New Meanings for Old Words: (from the Washington Post annual Neologism Contest)

Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.
Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash.

Shiftless (Adj.) describes people too lazy to use upper-case letters in their e-mail.
Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.
Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
Peripatetic (n.), One who wanders around aiding the pitiful.
Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

New Words for Old Meanings:

Frisbeetarianism (n.). The belief that, when you die, your soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

Aquadextrous (adj). Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes.

Carperpetuation (n.) The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.

Disconfect (v.) To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow remove all the germs.

Elbonics (n.) The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.

Frust (n.) The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until she finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.

Lactomangulation (n.) Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the "'illegal" side.

Peppier (pehp ee ay') (n.) The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.

Phonesia (n.) The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.

Pupkus (n.) The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.

Implowed (adj.) Trapped by packed snow pushed into the driveway by a passing snow plow.

Telecrastination (n.) The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.

Awkword (n.) A word that is difficult to pronounce. (example: "similarly")

Anecdotage (n.) Advanced age where all one does is relate stories about "the good old days."