- I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a
bike and asked for forgiveness.
- Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat
you with experience.
- I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather, not screaming
and yelling like the passengers in his car.
- Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a
garage makes you a car.
- Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright
until you hear them speak.
- If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
- We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.
- War does not determine who is right—only who is left.
- Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a
- Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening' and then proceed to
tell you why it isn't.
- To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is
- Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you
can't help smiling when you see them tumble down the stairs.
- I didn't say it was your fault; I said I was blaming you.
- Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars but
check when you say the paint is wet?
- Behind every successful man is a woman. Behind the fall of a successful
man is usually another woman.
- A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
- You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to
- A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that
you will look forward to the trip.
- Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you
wish they were.
- Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
- Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
- I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
- When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the fire department
usually uses water.
- You're never too old to learn something stupid.
- To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit
- Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
- Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no
- If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have
more than one child?
- The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on my list.